Growing a Girl
I have been reading a book called "Growing A Girl" by Dr. Barbara Mackoff. I am not finished yet, but was hit square in the face by the chapter called "Make Her the Authority". In it she explains that , "A child learns about his/her physical likeness by looking in the mirror. She learns about her emotional likeness by hearing her feelings reflected by us."
She goes on to explain that when we reflect and interpret a daughter's feelings to her, she feel understood - we have heard the feeling behind what she says. In this process, she also learns to recognize, name, and trust her own experiences. Over time she listens to her own voice, she becomes the authority about her experiences; her reflection of self will come from within.
It gives an example of a young girl (that sounds like one of mine) that was down in the dumps. Her mother would approach her with brightness and say, "Who is this unhappy girl? This is not my girl!" Whenever she felt sad, she learned to hide it from her mom and had stopped sharing her real feelings with her. OUCH. I am afraid I have done this without meaning to. I always encourage my girls to look on the bright side, but I can see *even within my own life* how this lesson is true. The would wants us to be happy, and so do we but in the process sometimes our true feelings are buried causing bigger issues later.
*child* "There's a witch under my bed." *parent* "Don't be scared; witches aren't real."
*child* "I'm not hungry." *parent* "Just eat a few bites."
*child* "I'm hot." *parent* "How can you be hot? I'm cold!"
*child* "I'm mad! I'm hitting him!" *parent* "Calm down, we don't hit."
*child* "Robin is the meanest sister!" *parent* "That's not nice, you love your sister."
Without meaning to, we are denying and shaming our daughter's for expressing her feelings and making her feel like they are not worth sharing with us. I am going to try and listen harder to my girls feelings and sympathising with them without discrediting how they feel. I feel like I have tried this, but I think I can do a better job. The last thing I want are sad girls that always feel like nobody cares to hear how they really feel. I am hoping that I can hear them, and then help them back to happiness. Man, this motherhood thing is a killer. Add hormones squared in our Pink Moss home, and it is almost unbearable sometimes. I won't give up. I will keep trying to gain knowledge from experience and books. If you have any to share, let me know!
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Since this is my idea, I will start with giving tips I have learned through trial and error with my own girls. I understand that other families actually have boys in them too and I don't want to exclude you! I am sure many of the ideas that are shared here will work for both. If you have something you want to share, please do!
One of the things I have tried to do over the years is talk to my kids before bed. I don't just mean the "Good night, I love you.." I mean actually talk. Before you give me compliments for this, realize that it doesn't happen every night. There are many nights that I am just plain TOO tired and it isn't in me. None the less, my goal is to connect with them individually and review their day.
A lot of times in the day, all the kids want individual attention at the same time. Because this isn't really possible, feelings are easily hurt. One way I have tackled this problem is to have my kids write down the strong feelings they are having right when it happens. This way when I tuck them in at night, they can pull out their journal or "Feelings Jar" and read me what they wrote. A feeling jar is something I had one of my kids make because they never felt heard. Working though them, one slip of paper at a time made her feel listened to.
Beware: sometimes if it is too late at night to talk about really hard subjects, it is better to wait until the morning because emotions run higher when both of you are tired and it can end up making more problems than you had in the first place!
Another way we practice listening to each kid individually is to sit around the dinner table and answer the question, "What was your best, funniest, and worst part of your day?" You wouldn't believe the kind of things that come out as you work your way around the table! We don't make them have a worst, they can skip, but if they did have something hard happen and they are willing to share it, it is a great time to rally around them as a family. It is also a perfect time to laugh together at the funny things each of us experienced that day. We keep a family journal right by the kitchen table to record answers each of us give. When we are bored, it is a funny thing to pull out and laugh at!
One last way we try and listen is to talk to them alone on Sundays. We try to remember each week to invite one kid in at a time and bring up subject that they are dealing with. It doesn't have to be a serious subject, it can just be a light hearted bonding time too. It is pretty easy to figure out what should be brought up if you are talking to them on a consistent basis because you hopefully know what worries they are having at the time. Kids won't tell you everything, but if they know you will be meeting with them each week, I think it raises the chances.
Disclaimer: I have been a parent long enough to understand that I am NOT perfect and I DON'T have all the answers. I do however have some ideas to share that seem to have made a difference in our family. :)
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